Brand Spankin' Who Knew
by soyamiso
Summary: Vegeta's in trouble again. Kakarrott tries to help...well, not really.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Toriyama and others own DB.   
  
  
  
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"VEGETA! You get your ass back here!"   
  
The Saiyan no Ouji ran for his life. Nothing in the universe frightened him like the angry blue-haired medusa in hot pursuit. Even Frieza himself was a thousand times less threatening. Curse his love for that gorgeous witch.   
  
"Vegeta, you know that you can't get away from me. You never had before, and you never will!"   
  
How could he have known that pushing a little blue button would blow up her latest creation? Why would anyone invent a device, which they cherished, to self-destruct? And everyone in the known universe knows that red is always the color for no-no buttons, not blue.   
  
He continued running through the building. His mate was quickly gaining. She always caught him...since he always let her. Curse his love for his feisty woman.   
  
Normally, he did not mind the physical punishment, usually preferring the 'm' in 's & m.' It was the verbal tirade that he could not abide. Unfortunately, today's onslaught would be particularly harsh and long-winded, considering the importance of her latest invention. No, his Saiyan senses could not tolerate that Philly cheese steak sandwich made with Provolone and extra onions she had for lunch. He tried to quicken his pace.   
  
A hand shot out and grasped him by the collar of his favorite pink shirt.   
  
"Vegeta, when I say 'do not touch,' I mean do not touch! Monkey sees, monkey don't!" Bulma hissed in his face.   
  
The Saiyan reeled from the ferocious stench escaping her mouth. Taking advantage of his momentary lapse, Bulma grabbed him by the ear and led him over to the couch. She plopped herself down and threw the small prince across her lap.   
  
WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP.... resounded as her hand repeatedly made contact with her Saiyan's rear.   
  
Vegeta giggled. That almost tickled.   
  
"Aaagh! Aaagh! What's happening? DADDY! DADDY!" Bulma's panicked voice rang out. Clutching the Saiyan in both hands, she shook him violently back and forth against her lap, still screaming for her father.   
  
Dr. Briefs pedaled his bicycle like the wind. Leaving burn marks across the carpet, he came to a screeching halt and dropped his bike.   
  
"What happened, Bulma?! What is it?!"   
  
"Something's wrong with my eyes," she whimpered.   
  
Vegeta, still sprawled across his wife's lap, covered his eyes with both hands. He hoped that if he could not see the old man, then the old man never saw him. The ploy worked for The Three Stooges. It was one thing to be spanked by his gorgeous woman, but it was quite another when she was punishing him in front of an audience. He remained held fast against her knees. Oh, the humiliation. Curse his love for his beautiful wife.   
  
Dr. Briefs took out a penlight from his lab coat. He shined the bright beam in his only child's eyes. "What were you doing when this happened, Bulma?"   
  
"I was just hitting Vegeta when it all went dark."   
  
Dr. Briefs sighed, finally taking in the scene in front of him. He saw his son-in-law, helplessly dangling across Bulma's knees, doing an otherwise remarkable impression of 'see no evil.' The good doctor never thought this day would come. After all, she was his little girl. His wife was supposed to have given her the talk. But now, now he must face facts.   
  
"Bulma, Dear, did no one ever tell you that this would happen?"   
  
"That what would happen, Daddy?"   
  
"That if you spank your monkey too often you'll go blind."   
  
The End   
  
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For those of you who need closure: Bulma used her vast wealth to have new corneas synthesized and implanted in her eyes.   
  
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	2. It's So Soft!

Disclaimer:  Same old.

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"AAAAGGGHHHH!"

The pain-filled scream rang through Capsule Corporation.

Six weeks later:

"AAAAGGGHHHH!"

Goku felt the familiar surge of ki and instantly transported himself to Capsule Corp.  The country Saiyan wandered about the massive complex in awe.

"AAAAGGGHHH!"

Running at lightning speed, he reached his destination:  the master bathroom.

Goku stared curiously at the scene before him.  His two best friends seemed engrossed in some project.  Vegeta was sitting at the vanity while Bulma stood over him.  He watched as Bulma smeared green goo onto her husband's hand and rubbed a strip of cloth firmly over it.

"Hi, guys.  What are you doing?" piped up the happy voice.

Startled, the Saiyan prince quickly hid both hands behind his back. 

 Bulma greeted her friend.  "Oh, hi, Goku.  We're just grooming Vegeta.  Nothing much, really."

"But what was that screaming earlier?  I felt Vegeta's ki sky-rocket."

"Kakarrot, this is none of your business.  Leave," commanded his royal highness.

"Come on, Vegeta.  I was just worried about you.  Tell me what's wrong."

"No."

"Tell me why you were screaming," persisted the ultra-friendly Saiyan. 

Vegeta's red-rimmed eyes narrowed.  "We had sex."

Bulma smacked the back of her husband's head.  "Vegeta, tell him the truth."

"No," asserted the mighty prince.

"Please."  Goku was really concerned about his little friend.

"I said 'No!'"  On instinct, he whipped out his hand and fired a ki-blast.  Tiny shards of light bounced harmlessly off of Kakarrot, the walls, and even Bulma.

"Vegeta!" gasped the astounded taller Saiyan.  "That was pathetic!"

Earth's mightiest warrior skipped over to the Saiyan prince and grabbed his wrist.  Without warning, he ripped the piece of cloth from the smaller Saiyan's palm.

"AAAAGGGHHHH!"

Bulma nudged Goku aside and blew air onto her husband's palm.  "There, there, Baby.  It'll be alright."  She gave him a peck on the cheek.

He doubted that he could ever get used to this torture.  The mighty Vegeta's hands had become most delicate from years of wearing gloves.  None of the beatings he received from the super villains could ever compare to this agony.  

Goku peered closely at the appendage.  "Gosh, Vegeta, how'd you grow hair on your palms?  Is that why you always wear gloves?"  He grabbed the other fully plush hand and lightly stroked it.  "Mmm, so soft."  Goku rubbed the hand against his cheek and sighed.

Vegeta backhanded his favorite sparring partner.  

"I was not born this way, idiot.  The bizarre occurrence began a couple of months ago.  BUL-ma and I are trying to get rid of them."

Goku picked up a small container.  "Nad's Natural Hair Removal System," he read.  "But Vegeta, how could this hurt so much?  Lots of women use it."  

"Women also give birth, Kakarrott."

The other warrior nodded in understanding.  He looked at his buddy and felt a wave of sympathy.  "Can't you try something else?  How about electrolysis?"

"We've tried all of the other products," Bulma answered.  "This seems to work the best.  However, his Royal Highness refuses to waste his precious time on electrolysis; therefore, we'll just have to repeat this business every few weeks until we kill the follicles."

"I do not have hours for you to apply a probe to each and every single hair follicle on my hands, Woman."

Goku reached out to stroke Vegeta's palm again.  The hair was just sooo soft!

Vegeta's ki-blast dispersed harmlessly against the larger Saiyan.  Kakarrott giggled at the tickling sensation.  The prince struggled to wrench his hand back from the unusually strong grip.

"If you weren't a warrior, this wouldn't be so bad," Goku said.  "It feels so good!"

The two Briefs stared at him. 

"So, how did this happen?" 

"I told him not to do it," Bulma interjected.  "But nooo, he wouldn't listen."

"What did you do?"

"I discovered that that too-obese-for-pants-nose-picking-filthy-sorry-excuse-for-a-samurai was the one who chopped off my tail.  I would have defeated you all if he had not done that!"  

"Aw, Vegeta.  If he didn't do that, then we wouldn't be together now, would we?" Bulma cooed to her husband.  She tickled his chin.

Vegeta blushed and looked away.  Bulma smiled.

"What did you do to Yajirobe?"  Goku imagined millions and billions of Yajirobe particles floating about the air.  He held his breath, just in case.  He didn't want Yajirobe bits in his lungs.

"I throttled the coward.  But he still lives.  BUL-ma would not let me dispatch him."

Goku exhaled.  He understood now why Vegeta grew hair on his palms.

Bulma shook her head in dismay and muttered, "I told him not to choke the chicken."

The End.

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